Xinran

Until 3 weeks ago, I have never heard of Xinran.

I was at Barnes and Noble when I saw a book writen by Xinran

She is an author that was born in Beijing in 1958, was a radio journaslist in China.

The first book I read.
Between her radio show she had and traveling around China, she spoke to many women and some men.  These women had never been able to talk about their feelings, thoughts or opionions  I have read my books about China, some writen buy people that have reseached, people who had stories pasted down to them from their parnets or grandparents.  This book was written in 2002 and was the first book that I read that talks about the hands on experience with women in China.  I was truly fastcinated what these women told her and how they felt and how Xinran felt.

Message from an unknown Chinese mother was the second book I read by Xinran.  This book are stories about birth mothers in China, their side of the story.  There were many heart wrentching stories.  Eventhough I have been told  and have known for a long the possible different reasons why a particular child is abandon in China, reading how most of these mothers (there was some fathers too) felt when they gave birth to their child.  I was told by many people when we adopted Monika, to be careful how much you tell your child about "how the birthparent (s) felt abandoning the child, since we don't know the reason.  We also don't know if they "love" the child.  I have always told my kids, that I have felt that their mother loved them because they were born alive and left in a place they would be found.  I thought it was vague enough and yet reassuring.  At the end of this book, Xinran wrote a letter to all the daughters that were adopted out of China.  It was a powerful, uplifting letter and here is a paragraph from it : "So, dear children, that you are alive and thriving today is because your mother challenged social conventions, oppressin, and ignorance to give you the gift of life.  Valuing you own life now is a way of paying her back, fulfilling yourself is a way of thanking her."
Xinran also wrote this message about a little girl that meant so much to her (she wrote about her in the book).
Beloved Child
Do you see me in yours dreams?
Every day I wait for you...
I wait
For the wind to bring me your breath
for the light to bring me your colors
I pray
The daytime makes you smile
The nighttime brings you peace.

Beloved Child
If the rain touches you, it is my tears
If the wind caresses you, it is my hand
The daylight is my watching eye over you
The nighttime is my cradling of your dearms.

Beloved Child
Do you see me in your dreams?
Every door that opens is my arms embracing you
Thank you
My daughter
Thank you
for being my unforgotten daughter.

As Mother's day approaches, I have always lite a candle for my 4 and this year 5 daughters birth moms to honor them.  Even though Jade knows her birthparents, I gave them a lot of thanks for going against the odds and keeping her.  They are so proud on how far she has come in the last 2 1/2 years she has been with us.  I also always wondering how the 2 children (one boy and one girl we were suppose to adopt before we  turned to China, as we know God had it in his plan that our daughters were in China.) birth moms have been doing and where were those children and are they ok.  About 2 months ago, I met the first birthmom.  She doesn't remember me, but I never forgotten her.    I have not identify myself to her, but I have seen her many times since then.  I have also met her daughter, the one we were supppose to adopt, I am so glad to see she is doing well.  The first time I saw her, I didn't know how to react, I didn't know what to do, but God was there with me, showing me that she was ok, he was putting my mind to ease, he knew I have worried about that little girl who is now 13 years old because the mom was very unstable and unhealthy at that time.  I am now at peace with the first adoption that fell through.  I didn't carry her for 9 months, but I had ultrasound pictures of her, I felt her moving around in her birthmom's tummy, I took her to places at times while she was pregnant, when we got the phone call saying she had a girl, but she decided to keep her, my heart was shattered.  To read about these birth mom's in China, how they must feeling deep within themselves about their child they "abandon" for whatever reasons they felt they needed to it has to be pure tornment.

Xinran has many other books out there, I am planning to read more, and when I feel my daughters are ready, I will have them read Xinran books.