We are up north celebrating Christmas with my family. Most of us arrived Saturday morning and the fun hasn't stopped yet. I had mentioned in an earlier post that Erin had declared she doesn't like snow and has no intentions going out and playing in it and hasn't had anything to do with the snow (we have been getting drowned in snow this month). As soon as we got up here the 3 younger girls and their two younger cousins hit the slopes along with my brother and I.
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| Jenny zooming down the hill on the little sled |
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| Katie the future bobsleder. She knows how to be the fastest sleder there is. |
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| So fast that sometimes she crashes. |
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| and who might be this? Kinda looks like Erin....After my sister got up here, whom is Erin favorite person in the family. My sister said she was going out to walk their dog, Erin said she was going with, the other kids were going back outside again to sledding, so I told Cindy to say she is going sledding. As soon as Erin heard that Cindy was going, she was gamed. I was prepared for that, so I had brought winter clothing up for Erin. She refused to put a hat or mittens on or zip up her jacket and was making comments to all of us about us taking to long to bundle up. After going down the hill once, she zipped up her jacket, after going down again, she asked for hat and mittens. She really enjoyed herself the first time and has gone out a couple more times since that, enjoying it each time. |
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| Monika deciding she has to raise the bar and try snowboarding down the hill, she never completely make it down the hill, but she would get a ways. Katie not to be outdone, was able to make it all the way down the hill, but I didn't have my camera handy at that time, because I was getting ready to snowmobile. |
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Katie and I cruzing down the hill.
I went down the hill many times with Katie, Jenny, and Monika my neice Trisha, Cassie, nephew Steven, brother Mike and Sister Cindy. Erin enjoyed going down the hill with everyone, but didn't want to go with me. Erin also informed everyone that she loved sledding. |
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| Jenny waiting to go snowmobiling with me. The helmet was big and heavy and she easily fell over. I took each of the younger ones out. When we were out on the lake, I would let them drive (with me also holding on, but they had control of the gas). Jenny liked to go fast and I figured she had the throttle totally open, next was Katie and she liked to go fast then slow then fast. Monika gets on and I discovered she can go even faster then Jenny and I even got scared a couple of times. Erin wanted no part of it. |
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| My nephew Scott came for a visit. He is Monika's favorite cousin and nobody knows why other then they just connected. Monika only sees Scott 2 or 3 times a year for short periods, but she always wants him and nobody else matters when he is here. She is completely content sitting on his lap if she could the whole time, but of course that doesn't happen. He had new pictures of his nephew Ethan who has been in the hospital for 20 days. They are hoping for him to go home on Tuesday. |
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| Grandma with all the grandkids that were here (we were missing 4 grandkids and 2 great grandkids) |
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Dave and Monika hanging out.
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Everyone has been enjoying their Christmas. Erin has been pretty happy with everything she has gotten from the extended families and has done really well with them. Dave and I have been having a lot of struggles with her since Thursday (after she got the camera) and we continue to try (eventhough it isn't working a lot of time) to not let us affect us to much, my sister has had to step in a lot up here to talk to Erin. Erin has been saying and doing a lot of hurtful things (dirty looks, rolling eyes, not acknowleding us or listening, etc. ) to Dave and I . She continues to tell us and Cindy that she hates us, when Cindy talked to her and tried to explained things and how a family is and how we treat one another, Erin said she doesn't care how she treat Dave and I and that she hates us and it not going to change, that she wants a new family and she wants a prettier mom. She said she doesn't want Dave to look at her or anything and that she will continue to give us dirty looks and be disrespectful to us. Cindy then told her that if she can't be nice, she could go home with Dave (he left on Sunday night and was ready to take her because of what she had been doing and said to me moments earlier and the way she was treating us), she got upset with that. Cindy told her otherwise you can be nice to mom, have fun up here and so forth, Erin said she wants to stay up here and understood that Cindy was leaving today and that she would be alone with me and her younger sisters. My mom is not liking what she is seeing Erin acting towards us and has made it clear (thru my sister) that if Erin does not stop acting that way or starts to act that way after my sister leaves, she will bring Erin home to Dave. Dave has also said he will come up here and get her. We were talking about the "disipline" we would need to do with her because of her actions. My sister, Dave and I talked for awhile on Sunday after Erin latest insults she inflicted on me and I finally started to cry. We all agreed that that she needed to be disipline, but I went a step further and was saying that it is getting really old with her that it has been over 3 months since we gotten her and I know about the adjustment period and everything else that I have read, learned and been told by professionals (including Erin's therapist), expeirence parents that have done this, and so forth, I ok with her not liking us, but it is getting really old on the way she looks at us and acts, that she is so hot and cold and we she knows what she is doing, that if she gets mad then she has do other things, then we are back to disiplining and we are in this vicious cycle. But during this whole time, continues with the behavior, she doesn't have any remorse for hurting Dave and I and doing what she is doing, but she will be quick on remorse for anyone else that isn't Dave and I, she getting a little bit better with her sisters. I continue to look at all the little positive milestones that Erin does and try not to let the negative things get to me, but it is getting harder now, I continue to look for guidance from Jesus and pray and remember he is there with me. Erin has a sweet side to her, you can see it when she interacts with others, she does small positive things for Dave and I, but the next minutes gets mean to us. It is a very crazy roller coaster ride and it is stressful, and on days like this, you just put one foot in front of the other and hope you stay upright.
My heart goes out to all of you. Keep in mind she is only a 13 yr old girl and maybe all of this discipline does come off as if you and Dave are all about the "rules" and nothing more! Even though you are a loving and fun family. She is on the defense because she is hurting inside. This is her way of coping with the things and circumstances she has no control over. Consistent and frequent therapy is much needed and cut yourself some slack as well as Erin! Unoonditional love oomes with time and it is clear Erin doesn't feel love for her new family, YET! Sue you are a wonderful person with the most generous heart, but this is going to take time and more patience and I just can only imagine the stress of your daily lives right now. But, because she is a teen; in puberty and her emotions are all over the place ( I remember how I was at 13 and it is an age I'd never want to go back to)you just need to cut back on all the strict rules. Now this is just my two cents and I just had to say it because I do care and remember I'm looking in from the outside, so take it with a grain of salt. Love, Roberta
ReplyDeleteOh, Sue!
ReplyDeleteI've been reading and I'm SO impressed with you and your family and the job you are doing.
It just might take a REALLY LONG time for Erin to feel comfortable. Maybe she's trying to see if you are going to reject her, she's been through so much rejection.
Don't give up - you're doing GREAT!
Erin probably can't believe her good fortune, as well as being 13 as Roberta says, I also was all over with emotions at that age.
Praying!
3 months is long enough to be worn down but not long enough for Erin to come around. My husband always says "its darkest just before fading completely to black", - he loves dark humor :0)- but there will be a dawn. I have heard 6 months to a year. Rely on the therapist but perhaps you are getting lost in a battle of wills over rules at a time when a teen is rebeling anyway. Erin's therapist should be able to offer techniques or perhaps you need someone for you and Dave to offer objective support. You have a lot of pressure on you both during this difficult transitional time. Erin seems to be getting loads of attention for negative behavior, all very dramatic, typical teen plus new adopition, lethal one two combo. I remember fighting my mother all the time, I was horrible and I was raised in my bio family also very loving. I hated myself but I still did it, I lashed out because I was hurting, awkward, felt alone, it was all in my head but real and painful to me, so I directed all that negativity outwards, towards those I felt safest with, the ones who had to love me and would no matter what. You're a strong mother, you can take it for her sake, the meaner she acts the more she is hurting or afraid, I think. Wishing you strength and progress on your journey.
ReplyDeleteSue, it looks like you all had a great time, even Erin, despite herself. No doubt there is a whole host of stuff going on in her teenaged mind. You and your husband aren't cool; your sister is (no insult intended, just how teens think). She is also safer because she's playing a different role and not one that is asking for intimacy from Erin. That's not unusual adolescent stuff. I know that not all adolescents think this way, so it's harder when you have one that does if you've never experienced it before. All you can do is keep on keeping on and make sure that she's not stealing joy or peace from your other girls.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the snow!
Ruby